I stood in front of the class once. I told them about the Norwegian author Camilla Collett. I wrote her name on the blackboard with a steady hand. I turned around and stood there without fear and held a lecture about this author I didn't want to read about because she was Norwegian. I was against everything that was Norwegian and for everything that was German because that was not a good thing to be in Norway because you might just be a Nazi, something I was not. I was just in love with Germany. My paradise.

I even read out loud from one of her books. I had been practicing for hours. The book was old and the Norwegian in it was difficult to read but I did it perfectly in front of the class this day without trembling like I normally would do in a situation like this and always have ever since but not this day. I was so calm and on top of the world. When I was done the teacher complimented me and said: This was a great lecture and you didn't seem nervous at all.
I said: I just decided not to be. And the teacher looked surprised and said: Well if you can just decide over being nervous or not it must be great.

I never liked school. I was doing well but I never liked it there. I never interacted with the other kids and that was the problem I guess. If I had been a part of the group I would have had a better life. I was just there like I have said before. It's a long story.

But why was I so calm? I had talked to one of my mum's new friends about music the day before and it made me so full of self esteem so when I went to school the next day I didn't feel like an idiot. I felt on top of the world and the school didn't get to me at all and all the other kids didn't exist but I did. For one day I felt I had a reason to be there. And I had something that the others didn't have.

I guess this man saw me in a way nobody else had before and that was all I needed but sadly he didn't stay around for that long.

I was just thinking I wanted to write a letter to mum and apologize for being a problem to her, for being in the way, being so dark and difficult. But hey... I am done with blaming myself for it all. But the truth is I feel I should apologize to her for drawing suicidal drawings where I tell her to listen in her next life. As if I haven't been enough to deal with already.

She has enough on her shoulders without me.